This just in.
In an unexpected turn of events, long time residents of Runville have formed vigilante groups, scouring the streets in search of evil gangs of cushioned supportive running shoes.
Jeremy Spoken, a spokesperson for the group “Shoes are Shit” had this to say:
“For years these gangs of ruthless running shoes have controlled our lives, our health and our foot strikes. We’re tired of this. Its time to take the power back.”
Another who preferred not to be named said, “I’ve been imprisoned by my running shoes for nearly two decades. I’ve been forced to run in ways that are unnatural to me, my feet and my consciousness. I have taken personal offence to this. I feel I cannot move freely even within my own house. The shoes track me everywhere, toilet, shower, you name it. I tried to lose them a few years ago, but they found me and beat me nearly senseless as punishment.”
Petition groups have long been campaigning local government watchdog groups asking for more powerful measures to be put in place, restricting what it is the shoes are allowed to do. “At the moment, they rule the neighbourhood. You can’t go out for a walk with the kids, or the dog, without being bullied, harassed, verbally abused and intimidated by the gangs of running shoes now found on most street corners.” Jeremy said.
The reporter covering this story managed to track down a running shoe to get their side of the story. He had this to say. “We are battling with an element of human nature called fickleness. It is inherent in most human beings and is hard for us, as inanimate objects, to understand or deal with. For years we have done our best to do what was asked of us and to help humans do what they enjoy doing, but now we are being pushed out.” He went on to say “this particular conflict has been exacerbated by a virulent strain of the virus that can infect thousands or even millions of humans at a time, known as Hype. Once Hype has infiltrated a group, it spreads quickly and we are powerless to stem the tide. In today’s modern age, Hype can jump cities, countries and even continents in a single day. How can we compete with that?”
When asked what they believed to be the cause of the latest strain of Hype, the shoe responded as follows: “A piece of propaganda, a book called Born to Run, was released a few years ago, citing shoes as the root of running evil. From then on we’ve been on the back foot. Or even on the back of the foot.”
The reporter attempted to contact the author of the book, but was unsuccessful, with the author’s PR manager saying he was “unreachable as he was holidaying in Monte Carlo – with close friends the founders of an anti-shoe shoe company called Vibram”.
*This article is all bullshit. Please don’t take it seriously
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